Femininity has three basic existential forms: the maiden, the wife and the mother. Each of them has a realization, a deformation and a sublimation.

In the case of the maiden: she is maiden inasmuch she is still a virgin, biologically; a deformation of maidenhood would be the spinster: the sublimation the consecrated virginity.

In the case of the mother: the realization is the biological motherhood; the deformation is the possessive mother, who like a witch devours the children; the sublimation would consist in the motherly care of person, who are not her children.

The three are showing a line of development, unfolding: the maiden will become a wife, and the wife a mother. In pursuing a truly feminine selfrealization, there is no oral obligation to take all the three steps. As it not an absolute postulate for feminine selfrealization to become a wife - we always knew this - the question is raised: is it an absolute necessity for the wife to become a mother? The traditional view insisted: the wife must be a mother. But what about the barren wives?

The wife comes into existence when the maiden marries. The deformation of the wife would be the prostitute; the sublimation could not consist in abstinence from carnal relations. We have to look for something positive: the friendship, the personally complimentary existence, which is certainly much more than pure cohabitation.

According to the traditional view it has been the absolute duty of the wife to become a mother. But is this really an absolute moral postulate? It is a normal, natural consequence, but is the motherhood just a consequence? A penalty for fun? Does this not lower the motherhood to a purely biological level?

A child in its human dignity is not just produced by the parents. It has to be accepted humbly. This acceptance - and not just the biological consequence - makes the mother. And this is exactly what she does in the christian marriage: accepts to be mother.

Reading the Genesis: God sees that Adam is lonely and wants to give him a companion (Gn. 2,18-25). Strangely motherhood or offspring are not mentioned here at all. The child problem comes after the temptation, which tries to frustrate God’s original plan, that his Son should be the firstborn of the creation and so to lead it to consummation. But we do not wish to develop this point here. I insist only asking: is the wife necessarily also a mother? To defend the personal dignity of motherhood, that it is not just the consequence of cohabitation but a matter of personal decision, (which is performed in the sacrament of marriage), it seems we should insist, that wife means a proper dignity even if this wife does not become a mother.

The christian marriage seems to identify the wife and the mother. Then a marriage in which the motherhood is apriori excluded is considered as null and void. So one starts to think: is marriage a sacrament inasmuch it is a contract of cohabitation of sharing bed and table, or rather the sacramentality of marriage consist in the acceptance of motherhood by the wife. As a contract, marriage should be handled by the canon law, but as the sacrament of motherhood the theological consideration should prevail.

The fact that the masculine church made the pastor of the girl competent to act in the matters of marriage, that all the ceremony is around the girl, and the very special blessing after the Our Father in the nuptial mass, all suggest very strongly that in the sacrament, not the contract is the main thing but rather the women’s acceptance of a new state of life: the motherhood.

If these considerations are valid, then we must insist on the difference between wife and mother and it seems the possibility of being a wife without being a mother should be seriously considered. If motherhood is not an absolute must for feminine selfrealization, if somebody could be a wife and just a wife without intending to have any children, then many relations in our modern world between man and women could be accepted and perhaps even blessed by the Church. Obviously, this would not be the sacrament of matrimony, of the motherhood, but still an approved and accepted engagement, contract of cohabitation between a man and the woman.

If a young couple say: Lord under the present circumstances, we are not ready to receive a child: this is something morally forgiveable. Whereas, to say: it is up to us to decide whether we do want or don’t want a child, is an attitude which is absolutely unforgivable. No man ever has the right to dispose over the being or not-being of another human person.

If we accept the unconventional, still theologically wellfounded view, that marriage is the sacrament of motherhood, which view would grant a proper place for women in the sacramental system (for men, the priesthood and for the women to be mothers of the priest, as Mary was mother of Jesus) then we can face and accept a proper status for the wife as such, without being a mother, and this status could be acknowledge as morally acceptable and blessed by the church.

In our modern society, in which the women and men are equals not only in the labour market but also in the professional field, and the feminine selfrealization is not restricted to the motherhood or consecrated virginity, we have to face the problem that the people are looking for companionship, real friendship and love, but at the same time being both of them, the men and the women, professionals, the women could not accept the motherhood. Motherhood is not a parttime job and the motherhood should never be restricted to one or two children.

Should all these people be excluded from the Church? Today the official answer is yes. In fact, we bless marriages without insisting on unconditional motherhood, just to keep them in the Church. Then the divorces come and remarriages. Interesting: the indissolubility of the marriage is a demand of wifehood or rather that of motherhood? Is not the child the living link which connects the parents for life? The marriage contract as all human contracts could not be considered as absolutely indissoluble.

Once even the betrothal was an official act, solemnly acknowledge and blessed by the Church. Perhaps we could revive the old custom with a slight bit new meaning! We bless the love, companionship of the young ones. The acceptance of the motherhood that means the sacrament, might or might not come later.