December 3, 1997

The Wednesday @ 22:00h Book-burning Party Candidate's Entries List
To be Critiqued by Jay Lampert

Book/ Reason- enterer


The Tempest, by Shakespear/ "I stole it from a Catholic High School, and now it brings me back to Catholic guilt"- Jim Vernon

The Taste of Cooking Today The Lebanese Way/ "It gave me the shits"- Peter Goethe

Movie and Video Guide, 1994/ "It's three years out of date"-Ryan Timmins

Catcher in the Rye/ "It encourages youth freedom"-Jason Mellisn

Star Wars/ "It speaks for a generation"- Matt Thurston

More Joy of Sex, Alex Comfort M.D./ "The auto-eroticism, didn't work for me"-Richard McCarthy

Principles of Learning/ "Hated that class"- Kathy Willowby

New Dictionary of Thought/ "It says theatre is evil"- Devin Armstrong

Confessions from the Cubicle/ "Silly and stereotypical"- Laurie Middleton

Celestine Prophesy/ "It's time"- Sereta Morkowski

Fahrenheit 451/ "It's about burning books"- Jeff Bird

Intro to Statistical Mechanics/ "It's one hundred, twenty-six pages and costs one hundred fifty dollars. Someone can photocopy the whole book for under ten dollars. It's all in black and white, with no pictures and small pages.- Andrew the Physicist

The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play

Arnold- Or, or, or, I don't know quite what I'll do, but I'm pretty sure it will be nasty, Harold.

Wendy- Harold's not nasty Albert what do you mean anyhow to say that do you mean like before are you mean Harold or am I talking about Jeff talking about Jeff I'm not sure that Dying is quite what he has in mind unless he's planning to go somewhere for a long time until it wears off gee I'll miss him if I think I know who I'm talking about did I hear something about a drink?

Harold- Yes Wendy, Jeff's getting it now.

Arnold- Don't talk to my wife like that, Harold.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Jeff- Here we are Wendy. I hop you don't mind, but I put a little alcohol in it. I read once somewhere that it inhibits further consumption of liquids. And seeing how much you've been drinking... well, I'm only thinking about your bladder.

Wendy- No, no, that will do very nicely I think Jeff thank-you, you know we've been talking about you.

Harold- Yes, Jeff. It seems that Arnold is threatening me with bodily harm should I allow you to be bludgeoned by a jelly-fish until you stave to death in order to avoid any inconvenience to me which might arise from my creation of El Nino.

Jeff- Well Albert.. I appreciate your concern, but really there's nothing to worry about. I know what I'm doing.

(LAUGHTER)

(DOORBELL)

Arnold- Now who could that be?

Wendy- I'll get it dear since you know you got it last time and I really think that we should take turns because you know that for better or for worse and is that what he said exactly because you know it sounds a bit cliche but you know that I stand by what I say if that is what I said and I can't really remember what do you think Harold?

Albert- I'll get it this time Wendy, and you can get it the next two times.

(DOOR OPENING)

Albert- Yes, may I help you two very large, imposing fellows who look intent on hurting someone?

(PAUSE)

Arnold- I see, yes. What was the name again? Halbert? Oh, Harold. No, I'm sorry, I haven't seen him in a while now. Wendy- Who is it dear?!

Albert- Just a couple of gentlemen dear!

Jeff- Well, albert, if they're looking for you-know-who, take my private investigatorial advice and say you haven't seen him in a while!

(LAUGHTER)

Albert- What's that, scary looking gentlemen?

(PAUSE)

Arnold- I see... yes...I see... hmm... well you wouldn't think so would you... ha, ha, ha... ya, I still have an essay to write myself... no, it's feeling pretty good... no... really?... Wendy- What are they saying dear?! Would they like a drink? Albert - No, I didn't know that... well, I'll be sure to tell him if I see him... OK, then... no, thank-you... OK then... yes... bye, bye.

(DOOR CLOSE)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Harold- I can't believe they found me so quickly. Thanks Arnold, you're a real pall. What did they say? Am I in big trouble?

Jeff- Maybe I should follow them. Albert, will you tell them to hold on a second while I get my coat?

(LAUGHTER)

Arnold- That won't be necessary. Actually, the entire conversation which has ensued these last five episodes have been totally useless.

Jeff- I wouldn't say totally useless Albert. I mean, I met Harold here, who I consider a good friend, whose letting me starve myself to death while being bludgeoned by a jelly-fish. As well, my entire memory has been erased concerning my life five days before part one.

Wendy- And I've drunk an awful lot wouldn't you say dear and so not having to worry about too much the things I've been running away from I've been able to dedicate all my time to thoughts of you, or were they of Albert, I mean Jeff are you here too? well isn't that nice would you like a drink or should we just talk more about seafood like we did when you were here last week Harold are you wearing any pants cause if you are they fit well. Harold- I'm not wearing pants, Wendy.

(LAUGHTER)

Albert- No one's going to have to worry about anything anymore. Those men weren't looking for you to beat you up Harold-

Harold- then why didn't you invite them in?-

Arnold- and you're not going to have to do anything self- annihilating Jeff.

Jeff-You mean I passed?

Albert- But there is one important twist which has occurred which is going to put Harold in a very interesting situation- especially since Christmas is on its way.

Wendy- Merry Christmas everyone I was wondering when it would come now that everyone's here and I've been thinking about turkey you know that when I was younger I was the turkey woman or was that something else you know it's hard to remember but I love you all don't I know who are you and you and you look very nice but I'm tired and no I don't know where the bathroom is can I have a drink now that I was polite during dinner... and... you know... I... love... why... can't... people... just... love... you... know...

(SNORING)

Harold- I can't stand the suspense Albert. What is it the big scary men said?

Jeff- Yes Arnold. I'm curious too, and usually I can tell what's going on just by looking at someone's pants. A technique I invented and perfected. So what is it?

Arnold- Well...

To be continued...
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