December 10, 1998
The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play
Cast: Harold- Steven Fearing
Wendy- me
Jeff- William Simpson
Any-name-beginning-with-"A"- Devin Armstrong (Devin did the
lines over the phone. However, he didn't have a script, so when
it came time for his lines, I told them to him while Steven
provided a musical interlude.)
Harold- You have to tell us what those men said, Albert. Do I
owe them money or something? Do I know their sister?
Jeff- I hardly see what their sister would have to do with it if
you did Harold. Unless she said that you could put them up for
the night.
Arnold- Actually Harold, I'm not sure I should tell you. I mean,
we've been friends for a long time, but I've never seen you treat
anyone the way that you have been treating Jeff. I think you owe
him an apology.
Harold- An apology? For what?
Wendy- Come now Harold. I do think that you know what you did.
You were going to take advantage of Jeff's naivete by letting him
sacrifice his own life to save yourself a possible inconvenience.
Harold- Why don't you people give Jeff some credit? Cannot he be
so selfless as to hole his own life insignificant compared to the
well-being of others?
Jeff- My life IS insignificant.
(LAUGHTER)
Harold- Besides, he's a private investigator. He knows what he's
doing.
Jeff- You have a very good point there, Harold. I wish I had
thought of that. Tell me, how did you deduce that I was a
private investigator? Is it my badge pinned to my nose?
Harold- No Jeff, you told me a few times over the last five
episodes.
Jeff- Good, because I figured my nose would be the last place
someone would look for my badge- you know, for undercover work.
But, I do wish to beg to differ with you concerning your
counting. I do believe that this is episode seven, while you
seem to be implying that it's episode six.
Wendy- Actually, you're both wrong- this is episode five.
Arnold- That can't be honey. You must have forgotten last
episode. You were pretty drunk. Don't you remember? I was
going to beat up Harold for taking advantage of Jeff.
Wendy- That was last episode? I thought that was a dream between
episodes.
(LAUGHTER)
Harold- Listen, we can easily settle this. Louis, what episode
is this?
Louis- Actually, I'm not sure.
Harold- Well, what about you, William?
William-
Harold- Steven?
Steven-
Wendy- OK, it doesn't matter anyway. What's important is that
the seafood form what I thought was a dream doesn't go bad.
Where id I leave it?
Arnold- There never was any seafood, Wendy.
Wendy- Oh. Well, maybe I should just start drinking again.
Jeff- Isn't what's really important where Harold got his pants?
Harold- For the last time Jeff, I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff- Well, that doesn't mean that you have to wear them inside
out like that.
Harold- Aye, yae, yae. Listen, I'm getting really, really tired,
and I still have to work tonight. So please, Harold, tell me
what the two big men who roughed up my boss wanted. Do I have to
be worried? Do I have to go on the lamb?
Jeff- Well I hardly see what my lamb has to do with this. How
could you see it under my shirt anyhow?
(BAAAA)
Wendy_ I've started drinking again!
(LAUGHTER)
Harold- That's nice dear.
Arnold- Hey, I call her "Dear".
Harold- Whatever. Come one Albert. Tell me. Please, please,
please, please, please... please. Please. Tell me. Please.
Please. Oh, Arnold?
Albert- Yes?
Harold-Please?
Jeff- I'm getting sad everyone. Will someone please talk to me?
Wendy- I'll talk to you, Jeff.
Jeff- Thanks... Well?
Wendy- Well what?
Arnold- OK. I'm going to tell you now, Harold, since we're now on
the third page and are going to run out of space soon.
Harold- Oh, goody.
Arnold- Very soon now...
Jeff- I'm getting excited. Oh, wait. The laugh tracks haven't
been written in yet which means that we have less space than you
think.
Wendy- I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that-
Harold- What Wendy! Let Albert speak. I think I may have won a
prize or something.
Jeff- Then why did they beat up your boss?
Harold- who cares? I didn't much like him anyway.
Albold- You're cold Jeff.
Wendy- I really think that everyone should know-
Harold- Please, Wendy! Arnert, you may continue.
Albert- Well...
Harold- Oh no, you're not going to make it before the end of the
sheet, are you?
(LAUGHTER)
Harold- Damn, that laugh track just took up another line.
Wendy- Listen everyone, I have a very important announcement to
drink, I mean make-
Harold- Not now Wendy! Please, Albert.
Albert- OK, OK. It's like this. What those two men wanted was
very interesting. It seems that you, Harold, are going to very
soon
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©Louis Marrone, 1998