December 24, 1998

The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Theme Song

Sometimes I feel happy,
Sometimes I feel sad,
You know I've never felt so good
As when I'm with my sisters and mom and dad.

That is where I am now,
And I hop that others are too,
Or at least with people that they like
Even if it's only yourself, your fish and you.

And it's alright,
Santa Claus is in the know,
He won't deliver any presents
Till the end of the Wednesday @ 22:00h show.
Lots of people are probably laughing
as the season takes them away,
the presents are being opened and
the leftovers put away.

But just because they all jump off a bridge,
I don't think I'll follow them.
I get a strange perversion you know,
From repetition so I'll just watch them.

And it's alright,
I like the whole year so
I'm spending my Christmas eve listening
To the Wednesday @ 22:00h Show.

Days are special if I make them so
On the Wednesday @ 22:00h Show.

The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play Theme Song

This is the next installment of the Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play,
What could possibly happen now,
I just don't quite see how
it could go anywhere.
Albert has spilled the beans, no one out to hurt Harold it seems,
Though I don't think it will be long,
Though I still think that it's wrong,
to hurt anyone.
Harold is quite excited will he get some things he didn't have before,
To make him into someone new,
All you need is a present or two,to tell you who you are.

And Jeff will find a way to get into the conversation and have his say,
He is smarter than you think,
Of course Jeff's only ink,
and he has no brain.
Oh Wendy played by me you are so pretty and so caring,
You should try and maybe insert
Some commas and maybe be curt
And be understood.
It's Christmas no though I don't think that any one has made a sound.
I wonder if they've all forgot,
about the lovely things they've got,
though you could never tell

though you could never tell.

The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play
Christmas Edition

Cast: Wendy- me
Albold- me
Jeff- me
Harold- me
Harold- So, Wendy, what is it? Now that I have no more troubles to speak of, other than the natural distrust I'm building in other people of myself through my less than honourable actions- what do you have to say?

Albert- Yes honey, I'm very interested myself. You know, it's good just to see you attempt at saying something coherent and not self-indulgent.

Jeff- The only reason I can imagine not wanting to hear what you have to say is if I had anything the least bit interesting to say myself.

Arnold- So what is it dear?

Wendy- Well you know I'll try my best you know but I have been drinking a little you know just in the Christmas spirit but you know I"m always in the spirit if you will if you know what I'm talking about I mean can't it all be Christmas you know but it can't and I know that except I try to make it be and you've been very encouraging in that Albold but what it was I wanted to say you know is that well I think if you look around a bit and see the things around there I mean in the places you look I think I think I think I think you know I think sometimes are you listening but I guess you are cause your looking at me if that's any clue but when is it you know but I must say that the things around us now if you look and I know you will cause you're listening but as we have been talking the last few episodes the Christmas things have snuck up on us and we've found ourselves you know amidst those things which make one festive or at least which remind one that they aren't being festive when you know you should be especially when Christmas is all over the place and all the time or was I just drinking I mean dreaming that? Harold- You know, Wendy's right. Look at all the Christmas decorations. And there's music playing too.

Arnert- And there's music playing too. That's incredible! Why didn't we notice this before?

Jeff- Actually, my natural investigatorial talents noticed them a long time ago, but I chose not to mention it for the obvious reason that they're much more interesting than me.

Wendy- Oh don't say that Jeff you know they're there for you not in lieu of you but you know that anyhow cause I know you're smarter than everyone things and know that decorations aren't humans and so can't be more interesting than them did I say that oh what nice holly were you speaking Jeff? Albold- How did these get up here? Did you do one of you incantations Harold?

Harold- Usually I'd say yes and take all the credit, but I can't take credit for something as special as this.

Jeff- I wasn't me either, though I realize that no one thought as much.

Albert- And look, there's a Christmas tree with presents for all of us.

Harold- This is almost too impossible. It's a good thing we're just words on paper or I'd begin to think that this is really weird.

Jeff- Is there a present for me?

Harold- I can't imagine why there would be.

Wendy- Of course there is Jeff from everyone even Harold though he wouldn't admit it even if he knew he had but you know since we only ever know we do anything once a week we're not aware of what we do in between except when I dream it you know and Jeff I have to say that Monday you were very nice to do the thing you did though I'm not saying what it was because you know you know you said not to say especially to Albert my faithful husband and all that did I say especially I meant to say drink.

Harold- You mean I actually bought a present for Jeff? Jeff- I can't believe it either. I can't wait to see what it is. Albold- Neither can I. Though I'm sure it won't be something very useful to anyone but Harold.

(PRESENT OPENING)

Jeff- Hey! It's a phone-bugging device! I've always wanted one of those. Ever since I was twelve and realized that no one would ever call me and that it would be nice just to listen in to other people's conversation... Oh... and it would be nice for my job as a private investigator. Thanks Harold.

Harold- Uhm, you're welcome Jeff- I guess. Wendy- Of course he's welcome Harold you nice guy you I never doubted your heart you know because it's not that you're a mean guy really Harold but that you show your love in a particular way like everyone you know like I drink I drink I drink but I may as well hug you if I wanted to express what I was actually saying but enough about you I mean drink I mean me Jeff I'm happy for you and you know I'd like to open mine now if I may you know because I'm very curious to know you know what you might have gotten me.

Jeff- Me too.

(PRESENT OPENING)

Wendy- Oh thank-you Jeff for the nice pillow you know I like to sleep you know because dreams are so nice and sometimes people disappoint me but not you Jeff and if I wasn't married which I am to Arnalboldert and I always keep a vow you know but you're very nice and not at all as dumb as Harold says though I really think he's just saying he likes you when he does.

Jeff- You really think so Wendy?

Harold- Boy are you stupid Jeff.

Jeff- Actually Harold, I get embarrassed very easily, but thanks anyway.

Albert- What about me? I'd like to know what I got.

Harold- Well here's one from Wendy for you Albold.

Arnold- Thanks Harold.

(PRESENT OPENING)

Albold- Honey! Thank-you. You know me so well.

Jeff- What is it?

Albert- It's a door mat. It says "welcome" on it. You know, when I was younger, my father used to be very rude to the paper boy, and the milk man, and the Jehova's Witnesses. And so I would always try to answer the door before him, but he just loved to do it so much that he would throw me out of the way to get there first.

Harold- Well, he doesn't sound like he was very nice.

Arnold- Oh, but he was all the rest of the time. He had a strange relationship with doors. His father didn't allow any doors in the house as he was growing up, so he didn't know how to deal with them. He actually didn't have any put in when we first built the house, but one of the electricians got trapped inside and we had to make an entrance. And then he didn't want to put in the door, but the winters got too cold.

Jeff- You know I've often thought, while on stake-out, that people would be alot more stable if it didn't get cold.

Harold- What are you implying Jeff?!

Jeff- Nothing.

Harold- Well where's my gift anyway. Everyone's got one but me.

Wendy- Here it is Harold you know it's from ARnertoldal I think you'll like it alot I do because you know you're used to taking things and just receiving might be very interesting don't you think Harold Jeff Albert is my drink empty?

Harold- Well, let's see what we have here shall we?

(PRESENT OPENING)

Harold- Wow, Arnold. Thanks. These are really nice.

Jeff- What are they. I can't tell.

Harold- They're pants Jeff. I can finally wear pants for the first time in this play.

Jeff- Oh, I see now. Of course. And a nice wool they are. Made in Malaysia if I don't mistake the seem. You know you have to know these things as a private investigator.

Albert- Actually Jeff, they look to be cotton to me. And the box says "made in Canada".

Jeff- Oh, well both those particular materials and those particular cultures are very similar. I was in the right ball park though.

(ZIPPER)

Harold- Wow, they feel great. Thanks Arnold.

Jeff- I think this is the best Christmas I've had to date. There's actually people to spend it with.

Harold- Ya, I can't believe it's going to be over soon.

Albert- I can't believe it came so quickly.

Wendy- Well Merry Christmas everyone you know and I think that it's time that I told everyone an extra special thing that everyone should know now that the presents are opened and everyone is very happy I mean you know happiness seems that much grander when seen from sadness not that the news I have now is going to make you say but I only say that not to foreshadow you know but I may be saying this to negate my denial of foreshadowing but you'll all be very interested to know-

Harold- yes?

Wendy- Well...
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©Louis Marrone, 1998