November 27, 1998
The Wednesday @ 22:00h Show Radio Play
Cast: Jeff-Jeff Bird
Wendy- me
Harold-
Albert-David Humphrey
FOOTSTEPS- Andrew the Physicist (by phone: I provide a
noise cue for Andrew to begin the footsteps)
Harold- Well Arnold? Are you going to help me save the world?
Albert- Save the world? What, the world's in danger because the
weather's changing?
Wendy- Wha? What's going on there boys I mean if the cheather's
wanging how am I going to know when to dress up warmly and when
to dress up coldly Albert aren't you going to do something I mean
when I'm cold or hot or something what will I know what to where,
where, where, where's my drink did someone drink it?
Albert- Jeff, will you please get my wife another drink?
Jeff- I think I can do that. Your kitchen's that way, right? I
can tell by the subtle archetectual decisions made in its
construction.
Albert- Actually Jeff, it's that way. The way Wendy's been going
for drinks that last five times.
Jeff- Oh, I know. I just thought that she was trying to keep in
shape by going the long way.
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff- OK then, here I go.
(FOOTSTEPS)
Arnold- Now that we're alone Harold, I think that we should talk.
Harold- What about Wendy, Arnold?
Arnold- She's sleeping again.
(SNORING)
(LAUGHTER)
Albert- So listen, Harold. I know it would mean alot to you for
me to do this for you;. But I have to admit that I have trouble
believing you story. Not that I don't think you believe it. But
remember, you've always been kinda strange. That aside, I never
knew you to engage in incantations that change the weather.
Harold-
Well...Well...Well...Well....Well...Well...Well...Well...Well...I
can't see why it is you would believe what you think I am, over
what I know I am.
Albert- But you've gotta understand Harold, that you're asking me
to sacrifice my life for a cause which seems very far-fetched.
Harold- Oh, I see. I see where we're at now. OK Albert. If you
want to risk world-wide discomfort by not helping me destroy El
Ninio, that's fine. I guess I thought our friendship was bigger
than death. But that's alright. I'll find someone else. It
shouldn't be difficult. Being hit by a jelly-fish used to be a
big craze in Pelham. I'll find someone. It's just the starving
to death thing that I'll have to make sound attractive. OK. OK.
you know albert, I've done alot for you in the past. Or at least
I would have if I was ever around when you needed help... like in
the months of June and August. Oh, and on your birthday. I've
even made advances at you wife; but far be it for me to have
done those things for something in return. No siree. I car.
Maybe too much. I'll just have to risk it and assume that Jeff's
human.
(LAUGHTER)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Jeff- Did I hear my name?
Harold- Yes Jeff. How would you like to starve to death while
being bludgeoned by a jelly-fish?
Jeff- Would I?
Arnold- You realize, Jeff, that that means you'll die.
Jeff- Does it? But I don't see how. Is there something you
haven't told me Harold?
Harold- Not that I can think of, Jeff.
Jeff- Wendy-!
Wendy- Wha? What? Is it time already? I don't see how it could
be as you know how that fridge has yet to be plugged in. Am I
dreaming? Oh, no, it's just a movie. Hey Jeff, get out of the
way of the spot on the screen, it looks like you have a pussy
boil on your nose.
Jeff- That's not a spot Wendy, it's my private investigator's
badge.
(LAUGHTER)
Albert- This is silly. I'm not going to let you do this,Jeff.
You don't know what you're doing.
Jeff- Of course I do, Albert. How can you think that I wouldn't.
You've known me longer than you did five minutes ago. I'd think
that that would mean something.
Wendy- It means something to someone who I think is me Harold-
Albert- Arnold- Jeff.
Harold- Arnold, why don't you mind your own business? Jeff's a
grown man, he can make up his mind for himself.
Arnold- Jeff can't even tell that you're not wearing pants.
Jeff- And nice pants they are, Harold.
(LAUGHTER)
Arnold- I don't like this.
Wendy- Would you like me to try another dear?
Harold- Arnold, if someone doesn't help me out, that woman who
used to own the diner I worked at; whose brakeline I cut; who is
seeking revenge on me not only for that but for my creation of El
Ninio; might, most definitely, perhaps have me roughed up, or
maybe make me pay for her car repairs. Don't you see Albert?
Jeff sees.
Jeff- Yes I do. Do you think that jelly-fish will want a friend?
'cause I sure do.
Wendy- No, I couldn't find any fish there because I didn't look
you know when I was young and something like that did you know
when I was young if I ever get my hands on you young fish I'm not
sure I'll let you go you lovey dovey hurt me now when will it
stop did someone take my drink, good-night.
Arnold- Jeff, will you go get Wendy a drink?
Jeff- Wow, is she ever thirsty. OK, I'll be right back.
(FOOTSTEPS)
Albert- The Kitchen's in the other direction, Jeff.
Jeff- Just getting some exercise.
Arnold- OK, now that Jeff's out of the room, I'm going to tell
you that I won't let you let him do this for you, or else.
Harold- Oh ya? Or else what?
Albert- Well...
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©Louis Marrone, 1998